Placing Mistakes into the Ground

What is to follow is going to be chaos… for some time most probably. I don’t think many people will make sense of the ideas I put forward for a while, quite often myself included because they exist in abstracts of the real world that don’t exist, or seem impossible. But for decades those ideas and dreams have haunted me, taking away my hours over ghostly paths, sending me drowning in depths of concepts that have overwhelmed me and quite possibly sent me a little ‘mad’. So anyone who follows this, do so at your own risk, I make no promises, just dreams of what are ideals that I feel probably will make no sense yet…
Meltdowns and breakdowns are only too familiar in this territory, those that have been there have worked hard for them and I have had my fair share of them in my professional, spiritual and physical life. The cause … an illness?
Something that has sucked away my life over the past two or three decades, disallowing any ‘normal’ life and a deep-seated sadness that no progress really got made in all that time. I dreamt often of a normal and fulfilling life, surrounded by interests and loves, I wanted that so badly but the ghost of hopelessness destroyed many portions of it. Two of three decades possibly engaged in some hellish groundhog day that meant thousands of days were not anything but a repetition of a few days, over and over again, where in the end nothing gets done and you just find yourself getting older and running out of time. I doubt many more, if any, decades can be spent like this until my personal oblivion appears and disappearance into the forgetfulness of the universe takes place. I know I will not exist in this place at all and I will leave nothing but digital ashes that will eventually be deleted.
So, it is to my sensitive embarrassment that I push all of this out, this chaos of mind, this beautiful set of ideals, to the world that at times has appeared cruel, careless and judgemental. Though in my own vision of it, however wrong, misguided, or simply ‘insane’ as it might be, I know the love and eternity of it, the freedom and expansiveness of it, the beauty of what is possible for every soul within it, in my very humble opinion, is worth more than a thousand years of effort – I must do this…
I give away my perceived sanity, intelligence and normality in a socially painful way that maybe I hide a little in sounding convoluted, a pitiful means of protecting myself and them from the critical scrutiny of peers and others. Almost like not being understood, by sounding intelligent and knowledgable and that all has been worked out beforehand, hiding the fact that none of these gifts exist in any higher than normal way and that the source and structure of it all, is actually painfully chaotic, and a lot of work needs to be done.
Work that I cannot achieve by myself, or make any real impact at all, especially being hounded by a black dog of despair that destroys progress at random times and the feeling of having to start all over again becomes depressingly familiar. I have not the capacity or the intelligence to do this by myself however and I much prefer others take the limelight for the fantastic things they can possibly do. I, after all, will be happy to disappear once I have delivered and then ran out of time.
I know none of this will make sense to most, some of it to some, and completely to other rare people recognising a familiarity in the words. My effort must be to let it go, organise it somewhat, and find those who can throw stones at it in an intelligent caring way to recognise the ideals that really are at the core. There is, I swear, a beautiful solution somewhere in this that I haven’t the intelligence, diligence or knowledge to create myself, and I truly hope some will find parts of it match their own ideals and dreams and make it their own.
Have I sounded convoluted enough? It is only fear of being called ‘wacko’ or ‘wierdo’ (again) in trying to present the ideas because after all, they are ‘impossible’ objectives? Goals, that if reached, allow everyone to free themselves of suffered sources of power that should never exist. Anarchic in the sense of having no more corporation or government, other than the whole ideals of the world dispersed and centralised at once. Ultimate freedom from slavery, from artificial and absurd currency, to be and do all that they dream to do, but all working as a whole in a universal system, agreed by all.
What I will do, is just to write and let it go… Try to connect to the real world. Try to connect parts that already exist to parts that should exist. Try to explain myself. Try to make sense. At least … try.
There is nothing in any of this that harms any living thing in any way, in fact, the opposite. The destruction and creation is of systems and to let the living just live.
The key are our ideals – and whatever we can collectively expand them to be. As a species, we can do so much better, for ourselves and each other and the world that we play in. Leave the operation of our society to ideal systems, stop relying on people to be our masters, bosses, gods or examples. Let people be people and find systems that work for us to achieve what we truly desire.
As a disclaimer, I am noone, of no importance, no special skills other than sounding intelligent even when I don’t have a clue (which I find embarrassing tbh) and an annoying habit of asking stupid sounding questions and getting lost in them – examples, maybe things like, what is a what and why, and why is a why anyway?? But, hopefully in the chaos of all that I write, some points will be on target at least.
I want to write more, but for now, I have probably confused it enough. Behind every sentence, there are a thousand more, and each with many ideas and questions, more understanding needed every step of the way. So I should stop, and begin at once…
Also, I will try to work out a way to organise chaos…